Sunday, December 7, 2008

RIP George

Always do whatever's next.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

Religion is just mind control.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

The status quo sucks.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Think off-center.
*ed note: If you haven't listened to James McMurtry, you should. "Out here in the middle, where the centers on the right"

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Tuscaloosa Graveyard

A team in Hamburg is having a team themed graveyard. No word on wether they stole this from the University of Alabama, or if they plan on also building a ghetto in close proximity.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Help you finish the week motivation

It's Thursday and we are all struggling to finish out this damn week. Here are a few of my favorite Motivational posters to help you get through till 5:00 Friday.

91 days and counting

Until football!!!

Linked at Every Day Should Be Saturday

Friday, May 9, 2008

From last night's travelin' crimson revival meeting in turdtown...

This is the work of Archie, the uber spy, 006 as they call him, and not my own. I appreciatte all the hatemail i have received over the last week (I love you guys too!) but all the credit belongs to Archie, you can reach him at

Once again his holiness, the SaBear, cautioned the crimson, huddled masses to "keep it down home" or he would find a way to avoid the next revival tour...

Cell phones and cameras were checked at the door once again and he warned any press present to pen or report exactly ZERO on his comments or he would help them find other gainful employment. He reminded them that the REC was a powerful, far reaching instrument at his disposal and if they doubted he would use it, he would provide them with Neal McCready's phone number. Most of the assembled press bowed their heads and closed their eyes and ears for the rest of the evening.

He finished his introductory remarks by warning everyone (AGAIN) against posting anything pursuant to his comments on the net or it would become instant "news"

So let it be written, so let it be done!

I'm getting bored with reporting on his repetitive refrain of "The University of Alabama is special. Alabama fans are special. I am special." . . .so let me just report of some of his "inside" spuat football comments...

1. If Prince Hall comes back he will certainly be suspended for a few games. Or maybe a half or two. Depends on the opponent and the half-time score.

2. Fans do not need to get down on JPW. JPW is real hard on himself and true bammers everywhere need to support him. He plays worse when his confidence is down.

3. Jimmy Johns is athletic and physical enough to play linebacker. He just can't learn the schemes. And "we're not gonna' play a HS defense at alabammer!" The players say he is not reliable but "I" love Jimmy Johns because he works hard and loves to play football.

4. HE wants 1 big non-conference game every season. He is trying to get Notre Dame while they are still a lousy football team. HE will never schedule LA Monroe again. BIG mistake on somebody's part.

5. HE asserted HE expects the stadium to be expanded within the next year. HE doesn't give a DAMN about what the University President thinks about spending priorities and the DAMN guy better stay out of his way if he knows what's GOOD for him. Ask Neal McCready about the REC. HE said WHEN (not if) the expansion happens that Bryant-Denny-Tuberville Stadium will be one of the top 3 stadiums in the country.

6. HE specifically said that the rest of the SEC sees what HE is building at CousinGrinder U and they are scared Sh##less. The day is NOT far off when HE will rule the SEC as Bryant once did and coaches will come and go at Auburn, LSU, UT, and the rest of the SEC like a bunch of "falling dominoes."

7. And, finally, when that DAY comes...he wants to see his DAMN statue all over the DAMN campus.

Sometimes if it Walks like a Duck, and Talks like a Duck, it may not be a duck

Im Pressin Charges!!! - Watch more free videos

This cheerful young lady that wants to know if you would like to see "Jesus kill George Bush" is wearing an Atlanta Braves hat and is not an Alabama fan as you may think at first glance. In fact due to her locale and her mouth, I would assume she is a thUGA grad.

This is actually Knowshon Moreno's girlfriend, no wonder she has that penchant for singing soulja boy... SHe did not in fact press any charges, and apologizes saying she was high when the incident occured and she would never act like this in public sober.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Perrilloux gets the boot from Lester

Les Miles has dismissed Ryan Perrilloux from the LSU football team because of his affair with Pitcher Roger Clemens. Coach Les Miles said Perrilloux, who had been suspended three times in his college career, "didn't fulfill his obligation as an LSU student-athlete," but did not offer details. LSU said Friday that Perrilloux is expected to finish out the spring semester at the school. Miles suspended Perrilloux in February, shortly before spring practice began, for unspecified team violations. Perrilloux's former high school coach, who remains close to the quarterback and his family, has said Perrilloux missed a mandatory team meeting, then missed classes to attend his father's funeral without notifying coaches. It was the third suspension for Perrilloux, who was to be the Tigers' starting QB this year. Perrilloux has been involved in a counterfeiting investigation, used a fake ID to enter a Baton Rouge, and was involved in an incident at a nightclub in November, where 3 LSU football players fought bouncers. When the cops showed up they simply sent everyone home but Perrilloux and the other 2 LSU (Jeremy Benton and Derrick Odom) players threatened the bar employees as they left. After this little "incident" at about 4 in the morning Derrick Odom and 2 masked men (that suspiciously looked like Perrilloux and Benton) were caught on video smashing out windows and denting the car of an employee of the bar. Odom was charged, and he and Benton were promptly thrown off the team, Perrilloux simply sat out the win over Alabama. This is according to an employee of the Varsity whose car it was that was damaged, all of his accounts have vanished since about a week after the incident. You can read the similar police report here that of course does not mention Perrilloux returning to the scene, only masked men. Hmmmm…

LSU will be better off without him, and I applaud LSU coach Les Miles for kicking him off the team. Sure it was a long time coming, but they did have to workout the buyout in his contract. Miles has now in a sense sacrificed LSU's season because they will have a transfer from Harvard starting at QB. But you can afford such things when you just won a national title.

Early rumors say Perrilloux will transfer to F$U, we can only hope. Maybe he will follow Cecil Collins footsteps to McNeese State.

If Nick Saban were still the coach at LSU, his punishment would be One-game--whoops, I mean, one-half suspension against Tulane and Bad-mouthing Perrilloux to pro scouts after his eligibility was used up.

Saban’s trip to Huntsville last night.

This is completely stolen from Archie, this was passed on to me through an email this morning and the apparently legendary spy deserves all the credit for these notes.

Notes from the SaBear/REC Revival meeting in Huntsville last evening...

Sporting a teal (as in it could have come straight from the Miami Dolphins team store) blazer, Nick Saban arrived as the '80s rock star of the Crimson Caravan last evening in Huntsville.

He joked that he'd heard too much criticism about always wearing one of his three (he does have more than one!) gray suits that he branched out with the Don Johnson look, complete with the black mock turtleneck.

Anyway, during his brief visit with the media before speaking to a crowd of about 700 foaming at the mouth turder incestors at the South Hall of Von Braun Center, he spoke highly of the spuat nation, who he asserts is deserving of the imminent return to their "rightful" place among college football powers. (I thought they were already there - 8th or 9th best program in the SEC this decade.)

He was clearly not happy with the published reports of his private comments during his Crimsom Revival stops at Dothan and Talladega earlier last week and this week; he told the media present that if he saw his visit mentioned or if any of his remarks were printed or recorded in any form, he would not return to Huntsville to speak again.

Later, when he addressed the true believers and rock star worshippers, he warned them, too, that if any of his comments made it to the internet, he'd never set foot in a REC meeting in Huntsville again. Shortly thereafter, his storm troopers starting taking photos and names of the 700 members of the congregation in case they needed to track down any infidels later. They KNOW where YOU live!

His actual speaking engagement lasted 20-25 minutes. He really got the cousin grinders and 'necks fired up and they interrupted his fire and brimstone speech every 2-3 minutes with standing ovations and Rebel yells. I'm convinced if you closed your eyes and just listened to his molding and manipulation of the true believers, you could easily transport yourself back to the late '30s, early '40s and find yourself in Nazi Germany -- listening to Hitler scream and shout about PURITY of RACE, RIGHTFUL PLACE IN HISTORY, DOMINATING THE WORLD...and on and on. Seriously.

He reminded everyone of "how close" spuat was to dominating the SEC last year (close, late losses to eventual BCS Champion LSU as well as an OT loss to this year's pre-season #1 pick, UGA); he promised that "they" hadn't seen anything yet, that last year's #1 ranked recruiting class was "just the beginning"...within three years spuat's 85-man squad would be the biggest, strongest, deepest, most talented 85-man squad in all of college football. He repeated (at least 3-4 times) the mantra that HE would DOMINATE his in-state rival on and off the field, that college football would soon FEAR the spuat Program....that college football programs, coaches, and fans would absolutely "rue the day" HE took the head coaching job at spuat. That remark drew a standing O that was heard throughout southeast Huntsville for 3-4 minutes. In addition, I'm pretty sure I saw close to 100 cousins drop to the floor and start having sex - they were so excited about the Savior's promises...

By the way, I would offer photographic evidence of this but all cameras and cell phones were confiscated at the door.

At any rate, the SaBear closed the evening's worship service with the same closing remarks heretofore offered at all of his recent Revival meetings...

"The University of Alabama is special. Alabama fans are special."

"I am special."

Autographed copies of THE SaBear with his 2008 National Recruiting Championship Trophy were sold at the door on the way out; they were sold out in less than 5 minutes.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Fun with Photoshop Thursday!

Coach Saban has vowed to clean up the streets of Tuscaloosa (by forbidding his players from going to the strip).

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

anOSU now has a player that can beat an SEC team!

Watchout Florida, you better hope that Ohio State isn't there also. Justin Boren has transferred from Michigan to anOSU citing an erosion of family values. And he brings with him a fantastic (for anOSU) high school 40 time of 5.24 seconds which is 7 seconds faster than anyone else on the Buckeyes roster. Michigan fans are doing spin control saying the kids a quitter or the typical scorned lover response, we didn't want him anyway even though the kid was going to start.

All kidding aside the thing that gets me the most is that he is transferring to Ohio State. How can this be? You don't see this with Auburn and Alabama, Army and Navy (they can't), USC and ND (probably too far anyway), or any real rivalry. Yet this has happened atleast three times I'm told with the anOSU UM rivalry. If you claim to be the greatest Rivalry of all time, how can you have kids transferring to your biggest rival?

And now, trapped in an elevator:

Friday, April 18, 2008

Conspiracy in West Alabama?

As seen recently on ESPN, Nick Saban got very upset with Ian Rapaport of the Birmingham News for asking how he was going to get down to the NCAA required 85, Ian wrote about it in his blog.

"Some questions, you can't wait to ask. If a pitcher coming off arm surgery throws a no-hitter in his first start back, it would be fun to ask him, So how does that feel? On the other hand, there are some questions that you simply have to ask. Ya know, because it's your job. Numbers! A lot of times, it's clear that while the answer will be valuable, the process getting there won't be pretty. Your subject might not want to talk about it. Yeah, you might get yelled at. (Not that you mind...) Today, after Alabama's last spring practice, I had one of those situations. One of the big questions, I think, for the off season is how will coach Nick Saban whittle the roster down to just 85 scholarships? There are 66 on scholarship now, and assume 25 freshman will enroll. That's 91. ...."

There are two numbers set in stone: 25 (the maximum number of recruits signing LOI each year) and 85 (the maximum number of players on football scholarships at any time each year). spuat signed 32 players to LOIs in 2008 - that's 7 over the limit! Rapaport stated; "... There are 66 on scholarship now, ..." and $aban didn't disagree. So it's safe to say that was a correct number of spuat players on football scholarships! Add 32 ( number of recruits signing 2008 LOIs) and you get 98 - that's 13 over the limit (max number of players on football scholarships at any time each year). So Rapaport was justifiably responsible in asking how Saban was going to whittle the spuat roster down to the 25 (players signed on National Signing Day) and 85 ( the maximum number of players allowed on football scholarships at any time during a year)!

Of course, Saban 'ducked' the legitimate and pertinent question asked by Rapoport. Also, Saban has had most of spuat's practices closed to the fans and media. Could it be that this is how Saban plans to get around the "25 - 85 NCAA Rule"? If no one is allowed to attend practice, then spuat can exceed the "25 - 85 Rule" and have as many players as they want involved in practice (of course, $aban would only dress out 85 players at game time, giving an appearance of adhering to the "25 - 85 NCAA Rule")! Another version of the old "shell and pea" confidence game, Saban style if you believe in conspiracies.

Of course this can't be true, how on earth could you pull such a thing off? But the bigger question is how in the Hell is Alabama going to get rid of 13 kids? No matter how he does it there is going to be a stink, no matter how much deflecting and sweeping he does.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Mike Belotti’s Crab and Shrimp Bisque

crab and shrimp bisque

2 lbs jumbo lump crab meat (picking out pieces of shell will take a while)

2 1/2 lbs small peeled and deveined shrimp (uncooked)

1 medium white onion

2 cans swanson chicken broth

2 cans cream of chicken soup

2 cans cream of shrimp soup

1 stick of butter

1 pint half and half

tony's creole seasoning

cayenne pepper

3 bunches of green onions

dice white onion into small pieces and sautee with stick of butter until goft and mushy

in a large stock pot combine all soups and one can of water and sauteed onion on medium heat and bring to a simmer

add tonys and cayenne pepper to taste,add cayenne slowly and taste until you get a slight after burn

add crab meat and shrimp and cook for about 5-6 min to cook shrimp

stir in half and half and bring back to a simmer stirring often to keep from sticking in bottom of the pot.

dice the green onions and put in a bowl

pour bisque in bowl and sprinkle green onions on top and serve with crackers

Thursday, January 24, 2008

BONUS: Dana Jacobsen's Vodka Cocktail Recipe!

1 Large Bottle of Belvedere Vodka

Open Bottle, invert with open end in mouth.

WARNING: Random hatred may spew from your mouth

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Jim Tressel’s Mancakes

Cause real men don't eat pancakes, they eat mancakes (and wear sweatervests apparently).

1 cup Wheat flour (make sure it is well ground)

1 cup Oatmeal

1/4 tsp Salt

2 tbsp Brown Sugar

4 tbsp Flax Seed (ground)

1 tsp Baking Soda

1 tbsp Nutmeg (ground)

1 tbsp Cinnamon (ground)

1 cup Milk (can be skimmed)

2 Eggs (you can use just whites but add 2 more)

1 tbsp Real Butter (soft)

Optional Ingredients:

1 green apple (peeled, cored, & diced)

1 banana (diced)

1/4 cup Craisins

1/4 cup Raisins

1/4 cup Almonds (crushed or diced)

Any other dried fruits, but sti

Should be same consistency as regular pancakes - cook the same way.

Best of luck,

Jim Tressel

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Kirk Herbstreit’s “I’m better than all of you” Yellow fin Tuna and Crab Dip

1 1/2 lb of fresh Yellow fin Tuna
1 lb of snow crab leg meat broken into pieces
1 medium red onion
1 24 oz container of sour cream
2 10 oz boxes of cream cheese
1 small bottle crab boil
1 tsp Tony Cachere’s
Cayenne pepper

Cut the YFT into small chunks and boil in crab boil for about 3- 4 min or until done. strain tuna and spread on cutting board and let cool.
break into small pieces and combine with crab meat. dice red onion into small pieces. in a large mixing bowl pour sour cream and cream
cheese(let cream cheese soften first)with red onion. Add tony cachere's cajun seasoning to taste then add cayenne pepper until you get
the heat to your liking. Be careful with the cayenne, you just want a little after burn when you taste it. Add tuna and crab meat and you’re
ready to go. Serve with crackers. Be careful, once you start eating it you can’t stop.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Dave Campo to Auburn?

A couple of sources are reporting that former Dallas Cowboys head coach and current Jacksonville Jaguars Assistant Head Coach/Secondary Coach Dave Campo is at the top of Tommy Tuberville's list to become the new defensive coordinator at Auburn.

Dunaway and Brown of WSPZ 690-AM in Birmingham -

Bryan Matthews of Auburn's page -

Campo and Tuberville were both on Jimmy Johnson's Miami Hurricanes staff (Tuberville a G.A., Campo a secondary coach). Campo was the secondary coach on the two Cowboys' Super Bowl teams under Jimmy Johnson, and was the defensive coordinator on the Barry Switzer Super Bowl team.

Campo, 60, fits the Tuberville DC mold. He is a secondary guy, which is a typical Tuberville hire, as he doesn't have a secondary coach amongst "his guys." He and Tuberville have ties. And Campo doesn't appear to be the type of guy that would leave quickly (He's a man! He's 60!)

Assuming this is the hire, is it a "splash" hire? Probably not. But it may just be the right hire, and that is all that matters.

This blogger, for one, thinks that the hire could be a set up for linebackers coach James Willis to be groomed as the successor. Just one man's humble opinion.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Will Muschamp's Boom Mother Fucker Texas Hot Mustard

1/2 cup water
1/2 cup corn syrup
1/3 cup plus 1 tablespoon white vinegar
2 tablespoons ground dried mustard
4 teaspoons corn starch
1 tablespoon granulated sugar
1 tablespoon vegetable oil
1/2 teaspoon turmeric
1/2 teaspoon salt
10-14 drops habanero hot sauce

1. Combine all ingredients in a small uncovered saucepan. Whisk until smooth.
2. Turn heat to medium and bring mixture to a boil, stirring often. Sauce should thicken in 2 to 3 minutes after it begins to boil. Remove sauce from heat and chill in refrigerator in a covered container. ( Makes 1 cup.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Why does Bob Stoops eat his Fruity Pebbles on a plate?

Because if they were in a bowl he'd lose them.


Great job West Virginia, not only in winning the game, but in hiring Bill Stewart as your head coach. It was not a flashy hire, but it was the right hire. And even more importantly it was a good hire. This was an extremely important hire for West Virginia's program, probably the most important in their history, and they didn't screw it up. You get a B+ for this hire. Doc Holliday = C-, Terry Bowden = F, Nick Saban = A-, CMU guy = C+, keeping Rod = A. You hired the glue that kept this team together during the turmoil of the last 3 weeks and he deserves the job.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Nick Saban's I don't have time for this shit Crock Pot Roast

This recipe is quick and easy because Coach Saban doesn't have time for this kinda shit.

1 Hunk of meat (shoulder, butt, whatever ya got)
2 cans cream of mushroom soup (2 cans is very important)
2 packs lipton onion soup mix
1 large yellow onion
1/4 cup worcstershire
salt and pepper to taste
2 tbsp tony's creole seasoning

empty cans of cream of mushroom soup into crock pot
add dry onion soup mix
Drop the meat in (after you've trimmed the fat if you have time for that shit)
add water until meat is covered
slice onion and place on top of meat
add worcstershire,salt and pepper and tony's
cook on low and go to work for 15 hours, when youc ome home it's done
serve over rice.