The Ultimate Collection of Tim Tebow Jokes

I have been collecting these since before "Tebow Day" you know, the day Tim Tebow was going to announce he would sign to play football for Alabama. I can still remember all the anticipation on Tebow eve when all the Bama fan's couldn't sleep. Even though it was obvious to everyone else he was going to Florida, he still destroyed the hopes and dreams of the delusional Crimson Tide fans who just knew that Tim would be theirs. But hey Bama fans, if he had gone to Alabama, you might still have Shula!

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Tim Tebow is going to walk.

Tim Tebow is the only one who can "try this at home."

When Tim Tebow gets pulled over he lets the cop off with a warning.

Santa Claus actually did exist until he forgot to give Tim Tebow the entire Hardy Boys collection series for Christmas.

Tim Tebow can simply walk into Mordor.

Tim Tebow's family wraps his christmas presents in lead, so he can't see what's in them.

Tim Tebow invented the spanish language because he liked the word "pantalones" and needed a language to use it in context.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach Tim Tebow to fish and he will rid the ocean of all perceivable life forms.

Tim Tebow doesn't use sunblock; the sun wears Tebowblock.

Tim Tebow once talked an Amish housewife into buying a toaster.

Tim Tebow and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

What scientists thought was natural selection is actually only the continued survival of animals Tim Tebow has found too chewy to eat.

Tim Tebow wears a cup not to protect himself, but to protect the players on the other team.

Tim Tebow can build a snowman out of rain.

Tim Tebow doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

The last digit of pi is Tim Tebow. He is the end of all things

The word "lesbian" derives from an old Latin phrase that roughly translates as "She who has not yet been introduced to Tim Tebow."

Tim Tebow' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Tim Tebow will not take shit from anyone.

Tim Tebow can kill two stones with one bird.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Tim Tebow can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

Tim Tebow is always on top during sex because Tim Tebow never fucks up.

Tim Tebow sleeps with a night light. Not because Tim Tebow is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Tim Tebow

Tim Tebow died as a child, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

If at first you dont succeed, you're not Tim Tebow

The only time Tim Tebow was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Tim Tebow's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Tim Tebow.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Tim Tebow can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants

Tim Tebow can delete the Recycling Bin.

While having sex in a car, part of Tim Tebow's sperm escaped and got into the engine. That's where Transformer's come from.

Tim Tebow does not sleep. He waits.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Tim Tebow

Tim Tebow can tie his shoes with his feet.

Tim Tebow was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He was fired because he kept destroying the ring instead of carrying to some stupid volcano.

Tim Tebow does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Tim Tebow doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Tim Tebow is.

Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Tim Tebow during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

Tim Tebow used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

Tim Tebow cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Tim Tebow says.

The chief export of Tim Tebow is pain.

Tim Tebow wasn't born; he shed a mother.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Tim Tebow can kill him and take it.

Tim Tebow can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Tim Tebow doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Tim Tebow.

On the 7th day, God rested.... Tim Tebow took over.

Tim Tebow doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

Tim Tebow once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Tim Tebow.

Tim Tebow drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

Tim Tebow' house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Tim Tebow has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Tim Tebow played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Tim Tebow grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Tim Tebow can make a paraplegic run for his life.

Tim Tebow doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.

Tim Tebow has counted to infinity.... twice.

Tim Tebow once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Tim Tebow and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Tim Tebow can throw Brett Favre even further.

Tim Tebow doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

When God said, "Let there be light", Tim Tebow said, "say please."

Tim Tebow doesn't believe in Germany.

Tim Tebow has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

If you want a list of Tim Tebow's enemies, just check the extinct species list.

When the Boogieman goes to bed at night he looks under the bed for Tim Tebow.

Tim Tebow invented water.

Before Tebow, Urban was Rural.

When Tim Tebow wants popcorn, he stares at the Midwest.

Life doesn't give Tim Tebow lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.

When Tim Tebow does a push-up, he isn't lifting himself up; rather he's pushing the Earth down.

Tim Tebow does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

What color is Tebow's blood? Trick question. Tebow doesn't bleed.

Tim Tebow was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Once a snake bit Tim Tebow' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the snake died.

Tim Tebow does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Tim Tebow goes killing.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Tim Tebow says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

Tim Tebow's tears cure cancer...too bad Tim Tebow has never cried.

While attending the school that invented Gatorade, Tim Tebow had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Tim Tebow secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

When Tim Tebow gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Tim Tebow banging your sister.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Tim Tebow didn't kill you in your sleep.

Crop circles are Tim Tebow's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

When Tim Tebow deletes files from his computer, he doesn't send them to the Recycle Bin. He sends them to hell.

On his birthday, Tim Tebow randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Tim Tebow doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

Tim Tebow owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno.

Tim Tebow can speak braille.

When Tim Tebow walks on water his feet don't get wet.

When someone says, "Nobody's perfect," Tim Tebow takes it as a personal insult.

Tim Tebow laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

Superman wears Time Tebow underwear.

Tim Tebow is Luke Skywalker's real father.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Tim Tebow can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his big toe.

They say George Lucas got the idea for Star Wars from listening to Tebow talk in his sleep.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Tim Tebow.

Tim Tebow eats Transformers toys in vehicle mode and poops them out transformed into a robot.

Tim Tebow once ordered a Big Mac at Burger King... The King made Tebow a Big Mac

Tim Tebow won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn't a big deal.

Tim Tebow has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

They once made a Tim Tebow toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Tim Tebow can slam a revolving door.

Tim Tebow can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Tim Tebow can piss his name into concrete

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Tim Tebow smile. It only takes 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Tim Tebow jumps out.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Tim Tebow lives in Florida.

Jesse Jackson once defeated Tim Tebow in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Tim Tebow invented racism.

Tim Tebow can drown a fish.

Tim Tebow is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Jeep.

When Tim Tebow enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

Tim Tebow can lead a horse to water AND make it drink

Tim Tebow CAN believe it's not butter.

Ironically, Tim Tebow's hidden talent is invisibility.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Tim Tebow.

Tim Tebow once threw a pass so hard that the football broke the speed of light, went back in time, and hit Amelia Earhart's plane while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

If you can see Tim Tebow, he can see you. If you can't see Tim Tebow, he just scored another touchdown.

Contrary to popular belief, Tim Tebow , not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, broken nose, cracked ribs, and the feeling of being beaten in the National Championship game.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Tim Tebow smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Tim Tebow's PC will crash.

Tim Tebow plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Tim Tebow.

Two summers ago, Tim Tebow took a 2 week vacation to the Virgin Islands. Now, they're just called "The Islands."

Tim Tebow was once sleeping on his stomach when he got morning wood and struck oil.

Tim Tebow uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure

When Tim Tebow has sex with a man, it is not because he is Gay , but because he has run out of women.

Tim Tebow only masturbate's to pictures of Tim Tebow.

Tim Tebow lost his virginity before his dad did

Tim Tebow is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Tim Tebow.

Dairy Queen used to be Dairy King before Tim Tebow made it his bitch.

Tim Tebow is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Tim Tebow allows to live.

When Tim Tebow put on the One Ring, the Nazgul just said, "Fuck it."

All of Tim Tebow's genes are dominant

If you are within one mile of Tim Tebow and you drop your toast, it will always land butter side up. Always.

When he was nine, Tim Tebow dressed as himself to go trick-or-treating. He came home with a bag full of candy, a bag full of miniature liquor bottles, an Irish Setter, and two underage prostitutes carrying more of his candy.

Tim Tebow can predict the shuffle on his iPod.

Tim Tebow became a vegetarian not because he loves animals, but because he hates plants

Tim Tebow takes the phrase "Breakfast of Champions" literally. He once ate Tiger Woods, Wayne Gretzky, and Tom Brady in one meal.

When Tim Tebow plays any video game, God mode automatically turns on.

Only once has Tim Tebow ever cried. The only survivors were a bunch of animals and some dude named Noah.

Tim Tebow beat Ray Charles in a staring contest.

Tim Tebow irons his shirts while he's wearing them.

Onions do not make Tim Tebow cry. Tim Tebow makes onions shit themselves.

Tim Tebow doesn't have to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Tall buildings duck under Tim Tebow.

Tim Tebow likes his emo kids sunny side up.

Weeping Willows are a result of Tim Tebow yelling at trees for not being tough enough.

The gaping hole in the Periodic Table of Elements once contained all of the elements used to create Tim Tebow. The government omitted these elements in future publications of the Table out of fear that rival nations could make their own Tim Tebow.

Leap years are caused by Tim Tebow holding the earth back from rotating.

Tim Tebow is the only person in the world who can actually give 110%.

There is intelligent life in the universe, but they have not contacted Earth because they are avoiding Tim Tebow.

Tim Tebow is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand.

Tim Tebow scared the black out of Michael Jackson.

Tim Tebow destroyed the periodic table, saying Tim Tebow. only recognizes the element of surprise.

The last man who made eye contact with Tim Tebow was Ray Charles.

Tim Tebow beat a wall at tennis

5 out of 5 doctors recommend not pissing off Tim Tebow.

The laws of physics state that nothing can survive entry into a black hole. Tim Tebow jumped into one, emerged five minutes in the past, and threw all the scientists out of a window. Just to show them that Tim Tebow makes the laws.

If Tim Tebow wants some shade, he stares the sun down until it eclipses.

When Tim Tebow folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to orange.

Tim Tebow never takes showers. Instead, whenevr he's dirty, he points to himself and shouts, "CLEAN!"

Tim Tebow invented orphans.

Tim Tebow once won the Olympics. All of them.

Ghosts are actually caused by Tim Tebow killing people faster than Death can process them.

Tim Tebow was once charged with three attempted murders in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Tim Tebow does not "attempt" murder.